Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Uglies give me the heebie-jeebies!
I hate people with shitty eyes. Yes yes, you all think i'm the sunday school type of God who loves everyoneeee. if that were true would I have made Starbucks and McDonalds rulers of the earth? fyi, for all of you who think globalisation is a plague of the devil, you can kiss my shiny corporate ass while i have my doubleshot low-fat espresso grande.
anyway, back to crappy eyes. don't look so surprised, i said it right there in Genesis 29:17.
Leah's eyes were weak, but Rachel was beautiful and lovely. Jacob loved Rachel; and he said 'i will serve you seven years for your younger daughter Rachel'
what the hell does that even mean? that she was cross eyed?? It's not really even a comparison is it? one is beautiful and lovely, and the other has ugly eyes. So i'd like to make this clear once and for all, it was self explanatory at the time because Leah had eyeballs on opposites sides of her head. She looked like one of the extras from 'Taken'.
but lo and hehold after seven years:
Then Jacob said to Laban, "Give me my wife that i may go in to her, for my time is completed"
real sweet talker isn't he? Great way to get on daddy's good side.
But in the evening he [Laban] took his daughter Leah and brought her to Jacob, and he went in to her. And in the morning, behold, it was Leah; and Jacob said to Laban, "What is this you have done to me?"
If she was THAT ugly, you really should've noticed, dumbass. This is the quintessential example of what could happen to you if you stay away from sex for seven whole years. suddenly all the mingers in the world seem like a good shag. Before you know it, you want to nail every woman on the cover of Musclebabes Central.
But then after that, I bless Leah with a football team full of kids, but does Jacob care? No. I give Rachel two kids, and Jacob loves them the most. Even if she was barren for being such a bitch for so long. and who do i go on to bless even more? Rachel's sons. So it's not just a human flaw, God hates ugly people too.
The End.
|
anyway, back to crappy eyes. don't look so surprised, i said it right there in Genesis 29:17.
Leah's eyes were weak, but Rachel was beautiful and lovely. Jacob loved Rachel; and he said 'i will serve you seven years for your younger daughter Rachel'
what the hell does that even mean? that she was cross eyed?? It's not really even a comparison is it? one is beautiful and lovely, and the other has ugly eyes. So i'd like to make this clear once and for all, it was self explanatory at the time because Leah had eyeballs on opposites sides of her head. She looked like one of the extras from 'Taken'.
but lo and hehold after seven years:
Then Jacob said to Laban, "Give me my wife that i may go in to her, for my time is completed"
real sweet talker isn't he? Great way to get on daddy's good side.
But in the evening he [Laban] took his daughter Leah and brought her to Jacob, and he went in to her. And in the morning, behold, it was Leah; and Jacob said to Laban, "What is this you have done to me?"
If she was THAT ugly, you really should've noticed, dumbass. This is the quintessential example of what could happen to you if you stay away from sex for seven whole years. suddenly all the mingers in the world seem like a good shag. Before you know it, you want to nail every woman on the cover of Musclebabes Central.
But then after that, I bless Leah with a football team full of kids, but does Jacob care? No. I give Rachel two kids, and Jacob loves them the most. Even if she was barren for being such a bitch for so long. and who do i go on to bless even more? Rachel's sons. So it's not just a human flaw, God hates ugly people too.
The End.
|
Monday, July 19, 2004
i have decided that the world requires an 11th commandment.
THOU SHALT NOT SPIT IN OTHER PEOPLE'S F*CKING HAIRRRR!!!!!!
oh hell, while we're at it, why not add in another one. my 12th commandment:
IF THOU ART WOULD LIKE TO EXPERIENCE HELL ON EARTH, LIVE IN ENGLAND.
ok, it's more like advice but who are you to complain. God is giving YOU good advice. so shove it and take it.
the shithole's got nothing going for it anymore. invading other countries looking for weapons that don't exist, it's leader is the only person in the world to take Mr Bush seriously, the ugliest monarch in all of europe, the crappiest food in all the universe and PEOPLE THAT SPIT IN YOUR HAIR!!!! the country is an extension of my throbbing pus infested RECTUM. you pompous pommies watch it!!! it's first on my strike list come my boy's next visit.
|
THOU SHALT NOT SPIT IN OTHER PEOPLE'S F*CKING HAIRRRR!!!!!!
oh hell, while we're at it, why not add in another one. my 12th commandment:
IF THOU ART WOULD LIKE TO EXPERIENCE HELL ON EARTH, LIVE IN ENGLAND.
ok, it's more like advice but who are you to complain. God is giving YOU good advice. so shove it and take it.
the shithole's got nothing going for it anymore. invading other countries looking for weapons that don't exist, it's leader is the only person in the world to take Mr Bush seriously, the ugliest monarch in all of europe, the crappiest food in all the universe and PEOPLE THAT SPIT IN YOUR HAIR!!!! the country is an extension of my throbbing pus infested RECTUM. you pompous pommies watch it!!! it's first on my strike list come my boy's next visit.
|
Saturday, July 17, 2004
Ronaldo, Luis Figo and David Beckham are standing in heaven before the throne of God. God looks at them and says "And so here you face your Lord and maker. I shall ask each of you a question."
Addressing Ronaldo first he asks "Ronaldo, one of the world's greatest soccer players, what is it that you believe brought you here before me?"Ronaldo looks God in the eye and says passionately, "I believe soccer to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people, from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people, with little else, who stood on the terraces supporting their team."God smiles and offers Ronaldo a seat to his left.
He then turns to Luis Figo. "And similarly you, Luis, a hero to so many, what do you think it was brought you to my throne?" Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these commitments."God, moved by the passion of his speech, offers Figo a seat to his right.
He then turns to Beckham: "And you, David. Presumably you want your ball back?".
|
Addressing Ronaldo first he asks "Ronaldo, one of the world's greatest soccer players, what is it that you believe brought you here before me?"Ronaldo looks God in the eye and says passionately, "I believe soccer to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people, from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people, with little else, who stood on the terraces supporting their team."God smiles and offers Ronaldo a seat to his left.
He then turns to Luis Figo. "And similarly you, Luis, a hero to so many, what do you think it was brought you to my throne?" Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these commitments."God, moved by the passion of his speech, offers Figo a seat to his right.
He then turns to Beckham: "And you, David. Presumably you want your ball back?".
|
Friday, July 16, 2004
I was flipping through my old philosophy notes the other day, because really, that's what God does, I sit in on philosophy lectures and giggle at teachers who insist on denouncing me in public. i also give them hemarroids just for kicks. ever wonder how teachers can stand up for so long? ahem!
so anyway, i came across two interesting thought experiments. referred to as the Trolley Problem.
The first tells of a runaway trolley and a certain Adam who is the driver of the trolley. The track in front of the runaway trolley forks. On the left, there is one person, on the right, there are five people. At present, the trolley is heading towards the five. If Adam turns the trolley, he will kill one person instead of five.
The second tells of a first class surgeon, say Bert, who never fails. He has one healthy patient and five ill patients. It is the case that each of these ill patients is in need of an organ transplant and if they don’t get one, they will most certainly die. One needs a liver, one needs a heart, one needs a kidney, one needs lungs and one needs a brain ( I couldn’t think of anything else). It is also the case that if Bert kills the healthy person, takes his organs and gives it to his five unhealthy patients, they will all live.
the consequences of the choices of both cases are identical. but why do we make different decisions in each case?
|
so anyway, i came across two interesting thought experiments. referred to as the Trolley Problem.
The first tells of a runaway trolley and a certain Adam who is the driver of the trolley. The track in front of the runaway trolley forks. On the left, there is one person, on the right, there are five people. At present, the trolley is heading towards the five. If Adam turns the trolley, he will kill one person instead of five.
The second tells of a first class surgeon, say Bert, who never fails. He has one healthy patient and five ill patients. It is the case that each of these ill patients is in need of an organ transplant and if they don’t get one, they will most certainly die. One needs a liver, one needs a heart, one needs a kidney, one needs lungs and one needs a brain ( I couldn’t think of anything else). It is also the case that if Bert kills the healthy person, takes his organs and gives it to his five unhealthy patients, they will all live.
the consequences of the choices of both cases are identical. but why do we make different decisions in each case?
|
