Friday, August 27, 2004
Disappearing act
Why is praying supposedly more effective when you fast? Is it because I just like to see my followers suffer when they ask me to take time out of my lording-over-humanity schedule to fulfil their petty requests (like help the girl who blew off her leg while playing with fireworks to grow her another one)? Or is it because when you suffer for a cause, you tend to pray HARDER for it?
If I really need you to pray HARD in order for me to hear you, then the communication system between here and earth must be really shitty. Kind of like trying to yell at someone on the moon when you’re stuck in the subway. Or perhaps I deliberately make it that way because I *ahem* value my privacy.
Though at the same time I intervened a lot in the old testament. My my, those were the days. I was such a drama queen. What with the pillar of fire and booming voice from the heavens. And those bastards I was leading through the desert STILL insisted on worshipping that damned golden ox. So I led them in circles for 40 years and put them in the one place without oil. MUAHAHAHAHA!
It seems that ever since my boy went on earth and got himself killed, I’ve taken quite a backseat role. There are no more real miracles. People can’t tell whether it’s my presence they’re feeling or just yesterdays leftovers churning in their stomachs. You can’t be sure whether I’m speaking to you or it’s just your own mind telling you what to do. In this day and age where you most need me, where am I ?
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If I really need you to pray HARD in order for me to hear you, then the communication system between here and earth must be really shitty. Kind of like trying to yell at someone on the moon when you’re stuck in the subway. Or perhaps I deliberately make it that way because I *ahem* value my privacy.
Though at the same time I intervened a lot in the old testament. My my, those were the days. I was such a drama queen. What with the pillar of fire and booming voice from the heavens. And those bastards I was leading through the desert STILL insisted on worshipping that damned golden ox. So I led them in circles for 40 years and put them in the one place without oil. MUAHAHAHAHA!
It seems that ever since my boy went on earth and got himself killed, I’ve taken quite a backseat role. There are no more real miracles. People can’t tell whether it’s my presence they’re feeling or just yesterdays leftovers churning in their stomachs. You can’t be sure whether I’m speaking to you or it’s just your own mind telling you what to do. In this day and age where you most need me, where am I ?
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Wednesday, August 25, 2004
wasted conditionals
Bargaining. I get more deals thrown my way a day than Donald Trump.
“if you make her love me, I’ll never sin again”
“if you heal my auntie, I’ll worship you forever”
If this then that. If that then this. The question on everyone’s mind: does it work? Well. If you think about it enough, then the answer to your bargain, could be one of two possibilities.
First, if i’m the type of God to be tempted by bargains, then that would make me an entrepreneuring God. i.e. Not ‘good’, since it means I’ll screw people over if there’s something in it for me. Not only that, if I’m tempted at all by things that humans can give me, that implies a step down for me in power. I’m omnipotent and omniscient. I’m supposed to be able to give myself whatever I want whenever I want. My needs should not be dependent on the comings and goings of human life. In that case, all bargaining is futile. Don’t bother, you teeny insignificants.
Second, let’s say that even if I am all powerful, I’m an evil God. Then it’s ok that I’m tempted because in that case I make no claims about my ‘goodness’. In this case, your bargain MIGHT work. Only and only if:
1. your bargain tempts me
2. you can live up to your end of the bargain
God only knows (pun intended) what it is I could possibly want. Given my ability to satisfy all my desires at will. I can only conclude given my omnipotence, that there is NOTHING I NEED. So, you earthlings can never satisfy condition 1.
Since I’m a know it all, I can tell even before you make the bargain, whether you can fulfil it or not. But since you can never make a bargain SO GOOD, that I’d want to take time out of my otherwise dull and uninhibited lifestyle, don’t bother.
So, in conclusion: DON’T BUG ME WITH BARGAINS. Go deal with the devil.
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“if you make her love me, I’ll never sin again”
“if you heal my auntie, I’ll worship you forever”
If this then that. If that then this. The question on everyone’s mind: does it work? Well. If you think about it enough, then the answer to your bargain, could be one of two possibilities.
First, if i’m the type of God to be tempted by bargains, then that would make me an entrepreneuring God. i.e. Not ‘good’, since it means I’ll screw people over if there’s something in it for me. Not only that, if I’m tempted at all by things that humans can give me, that implies a step down for me in power. I’m omnipotent and omniscient. I’m supposed to be able to give myself whatever I want whenever I want. My needs should not be dependent on the comings and goings of human life. In that case, all bargaining is futile. Don’t bother, you teeny insignificants.
Second, let’s say that even if I am all powerful, I’m an evil God. Then it’s ok that I’m tempted because in that case I make no claims about my ‘goodness’. In this case, your bargain MIGHT work. Only and only if:
1. your bargain tempts me
2. you can live up to your end of the bargain
God only knows (pun intended) what it is I could possibly want. Given my ability to satisfy all my desires at will. I can only conclude given my omnipotence, that there is NOTHING I NEED. So, you earthlings can never satisfy condition 1.
Since I’m a know it all, I can tell even before you make the bargain, whether you can fulfil it or not. But since you can never make a bargain SO GOOD, that I’d want to take time out of my otherwise dull and uninhibited lifestyle, don’t bother.
So, in conclusion: DON’T BUG ME WITH BARGAINS. Go deal with the devil.
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Friday, August 20, 2004
I think, therefore I'm scewed
What does God think about? What do I do with myself in my spare time? I know I made man in my image but considering the fact that I’m all perfect and all, I can’t possibly exist in the physical body that I gave man. And since I’m what you call an infinite being, I can’t possibly hold all that wisdom and goodwill toward mankind in any one physical vessel (or maybe I can and that’s why I’m so stingy with it ). So I like to think of myself as a glowy entity floating about in some quasi-neo holistic dimension with no concept of space and time.
And take into account the fact that I also KNOW everything. What is there left to think about ? ok, so I could scroll through my knowledge of anything and everything and ponder about it over my starbucks doubleshot espresso. But then, couple that with the fact that I can tell the future, then it follows that I know what I’m going to think about. If I know what I’m going to think about, and what conclusions I’m going to come to, then what the hell is the damn point?? It’s like watching the film ‘the thinking that is me’ rerun for all eternityyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
If you ask me, God has it tough. Even the creation of humans and the universe probably hasn’t helped very much. It’s just like playing a chess game in your head, and then taking the thought out and making it real. Although that makes a difference for mere mortals, it doesn’t for God. It looks the same in my head as it does in its physical form. Only, unfortunately when you checkmate someone, they really have to die, go to hell and suffer for it. Hehe… well… misery does love company.
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And take into account the fact that I also KNOW everything. What is there left to think about ? ok, so I could scroll through my knowledge of anything and everything and ponder about it over my starbucks doubleshot espresso. But then, couple that with the fact that I can tell the future, then it follows that I know what I’m going to think about. If I know what I’m going to think about, and what conclusions I’m going to come to, then what the hell is the damn point?? It’s like watching the film ‘the thinking that is me’ rerun for all eternityyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
If you ask me, God has it tough. Even the creation of humans and the universe probably hasn’t helped very much. It’s just like playing a chess game in your head, and then taking the thought out and making it real. Although that makes a difference for mere mortals, it doesn’t for God. It looks the same in my head as it does in its physical form. Only, unfortunately when you checkmate someone, they really have to die, go to hell and suffer for it. Hehe… well… misery does love company.
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Saturday, August 14, 2004
heaven... I'm in heaven...and my heart beats so that I can hardly speaaaaak!
What is your conception of heaven? I have to ask every single person that gets into heaven that (yes we do have several entries every millenia or so). In fact, we’ve been having so many entries since that mini revival in China that even St Peter’s had to come back from his holiday in Hell. Apparently he goes there to get his bikini line waxed every so often. Something about the geography of the place. The humidity moistens the air and Satan’s minions are the only ones that don’t complain about having to strip his hairy ass. Sigh… all humans are like that, you give them something really bad to do and then you give them something less bad, and they think it’s such a treat. Even tending to some bloke’s posterior needs.
THAT is why I want to know what your idea of heaven is. You don’t think God wonders about what your idea of heaven is? It’s very important you know. Because not every perception of heaven is the same. Since I made each one of you individually distinct. You all have differerent needs and preferences. And I regret it like I regret not putting “thou shalt not produce movies where shaving one’s armpit is more satisfying” as the 11th commandment. Damn Moses and his gigantic handwriting. I really should’ve done the whole Mt. Sinai deal when computers had been invented. 40 gig of space for me to lay down all my boundaries. Hah… consider yourselves lucky, you pigs of sin.
Where was I? ah yes… your idea of heaven. I’ve had to cater to so many different needs every time some stupid holy stinker comes strutting in from the Pearly Gates. So I’m thinking of standardising it all. Surely there’s a picture of heaven out of all the infinite possibilities that EVERYONE likes. The number of humans relative to possible universes is not that large after all. So out of all the possibilities that no human mind can even conceive of even if he lived forever, there has to be ONE scenario where everyone is happy. No?
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THAT is why I want to know what your idea of heaven is. You don’t think God wonders about what your idea of heaven is? It’s very important you know. Because not every perception of heaven is the same. Since I made each one of you individually distinct. You all have differerent needs and preferences. And I regret it like I regret not putting “thou shalt not produce movies where shaving one’s armpit is more satisfying” as the 11th commandment. Damn Moses and his gigantic handwriting. I really should’ve done the whole Mt. Sinai deal when computers had been invented. 40 gig of space for me to lay down all my boundaries. Hah… consider yourselves lucky, you pigs of sin.
Where was I? ah yes… your idea of heaven. I’ve had to cater to so many different needs every time some stupid holy stinker comes strutting in from the Pearly Gates. So I’m thinking of standardising it all. Surely there’s a picture of heaven out of all the infinite possibilities that EVERYONE likes. The number of humans relative to possible universes is not that large after all. So out of all the possibilities that no human mind can even conceive of even if he lived forever, there has to be ONE scenario where everyone is happy. No?
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Tuesday, August 10, 2004
Old macdonald had a farm... yeee ay yee ay oooh
Sighh… it’s getting more and more difficult to write in this blog everyday. I mean, what’s there to being a God? I sit in a throne all day, tell one poor bastard after another that he’s going to hell, then I sit back, and watch the guy with the harp play me a tune. And once in a while, I have tea with Satan which proves to be amusing in a twisted sort of way. And then once in a purple speckled yellow moon, I let some into heaven. Unsurprisingly… most of them are dogs. And then when I’m REALLY bored, I line up all the cats in a row, and PUNT them straight into hell! Satan kinda likes it when those damned sonofabitches get the crap scared out of them when a razor sharp nailed feline comes swooping down out of nowhere and takes their scalp off. [hee hee…alright, I think it’s quality entertainment too]
But then we had this problem with the dogs leaping off the clouds to chase the cats down to hell. Dogs are so cute… sigh, but so SO stupid. And yes, for the few enlightened that I have blessed so graciously with slightly more brain cells than the masses, THAT is where the phrase “raining cats and dogs” comes from.
I get the strange disconcerting feeling that a lot of you want your 5 minutes spent reading my blog returned to you. Well, tough shit. This is GOD remember? I don’t give second chances.
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But then we had this problem with the dogs leaping off the clouds to chase the cats down to hell. Dogs are so cute… sigh, but so SO stupid. And yes, for the few enlightened that I have blessed so graciously with slightly more brain cells than the masses, THAT is where the phrase “raining cats and dogs” comes from.
I get the strange disconcerting feeling that a lot of you want your 5 minutes spent reading my blog returned to you. Well, tough shit. This is GOD remember? I don’t give second chances.
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Tuesday, August 03, 2004
Starbucks with Satan
I was just sipping my doubleshot ice shaken that Satan got for me from one of his temporal Starbucks branches. Some new idea of his, muttered something about coffee being a transitional pick-me-up so surely purgatory should be one of its prime locations. Then I pointed out it’s not quite the same thing as buying a low-fat grande on the way to work but I don’ think he was listening. I don’t know what’s wrong with that boy these days. He’s getting more and more obsessed with the business of corporate imperialism than he is with grabbing souls. Believes that it’s more likely people will start worshipping the coffee bean than him. Did you know he was solely responsible for the genetic design of caffeine? The addictive and WAKEUP qualities are entirely his doing. Quite the entrepreneur eh?
Sigh, that’s why I had to kick him off my staff. When he was in charge of my throne, EVERYDAY I’d come back and there’d be some shitty new contraption on it. one day it started with cupholders, the next day it was an osim massage device, the next it was instant holographic harems popping up. And then he offered to help me design man! Said that they would be happier if I took away all their free will, in order to free them from all thought and responsibility.
‘but Lucifer,’ I said, ‘you have free will, aren’t you happy?’
‘I’d be happy if you used the potty I installed in your chair’
He had to go.
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Sigh, that’s why I had to kick him off my staff. When he was in charge of my throne, EVERYDAY I’d come back and there’d be some shitty new contraption on it. one day it started with cupholders, the next day it was an osim massage device, the next it was instant holographic harems popping up. And then he offered to help me design man! Said that they would be happier if I took away all their free will, in order to free them from all thought and responsibility.
‘but Lucifer,’ I said, ‘you have free will, aren’t you happy?’
‘I’d be happy if you used the potty I installed in your chair’
He had to go.
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