Wednesday, February 16, 2005
i have been exploited. exploited, used and abused. criticised and awed for my utmost private and kinky doodlings. first i hide it in the minds of crazy babbling prophets that no one will ever believe.but then they wrote it down and hid it in scrolls here and there. and by some miracle of a chance unbeknowst to even me, Mr King James compiles it and publishes my dear diary. i can't even find the other sock that goes missing in the dryer and humanity manages to unearth my diary after hundreds of years in the sand.
i need to go exploit humanity by doing my part and getting a triple espresso from starbucks. i hope they still buy 10 kilos for a penny from those poor bastards in pootimbaya. otherwise i'll just buy a pair of nikes lovingly hand stiched by blind toddlers.
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i need to go exploit humanity by doing my part and getting a triple espresso from starbucks. i hope they still buy 10 kilos for a penny from those poor bastards in pootimbaya. otherwise i'll just buy a pair of nikes lovingly hand stiched by blind toddlers.
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Monday, January 10, 2005
the spirit is willing, but the flesh is ....tasty!
when i think of the word 'headquarters', what comes to mind is sauteed brain sliced into four pieces garnished with foie gras.
jesus and i are carnivores you know. specifically, we're cannibals. that's why you've got scripture relating to communion about eating the flesh and drinking the blood. and scripture about how if you're lukewarm i'll spit you out... etcetc.
what other metaphysically possible reason could i have to condemn all of humanity for eating a silly piece of fruit? I claim to be, after all, a 'GOOD' God. And so by this hannibal lector interpretation of the Word, I can be.
for it is written:
'anger not thy god by consuming such vile produce that is sprung from the earth. For it is intended that thou droppings be not runny as is the brooks of babylon, nor squidgy as the bruised bosom of a harlot, but as hard as the rocks of jericho. such is the will of god.' (book of John Jr Jr, 13:6)
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jesus and i are carnivores you know. specifically, we're cannibals. that's why you've got scripture relating to communion about eating the flesh and drinking the blood. and scripture about how if you're lukewarm i'll spit you out... etcetc.
what other metaphysically possible reason could i have to condemn all of humanity for eating a silly piece of fruit? I claim to be, after all, a 'GOOD' God. And so by this hannibal lector interpretation of the Word, I can be.
for it is written:
'anger not thy god by consuming such vile produce that is sprung from the earth. For it is intended that thou droppings be not runny as is the brooks of babylon, nor squidgy as the bruised bosom of a harlot, but as hard as the rocks of jericho. such is the will of god.' (book of John Jr Jr, 13:6)
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Sunday, November 28, 2004
Now i know a lot of you down there are sick and tired of hearing me bang on about how I’m such a great god because I sacrificed my son on the cross for you. blablabla… it’s like a disgruntled postal worker bitching about how he has to sacrifice his balls to your rottweiler everyday when he delivers the mail.
so what about a NEW john 3:16? I've come up with some groovy (yes i am that old)suggestions:
FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD HE...
1. invented the stapler
2. made singapore small
3. designed phallic shaped objects everywhere. i.e. cucumbers, petronas towers, sammy vellu's head...
4. tripped castro fidel
5. extracts the weirdest confessions from humans mid-coitus
...SO THAT WE MAY NOT PERISH IN SEEMINGLY EVERLASTING BOREDOM, BUT ALL HAVE A LAUGH AND APPRECIATE THIS WONDERFUL WORLD HE MADE FOR US INSTEAD OF ALWAYS PINING FOR LIFE ETERNAL IN HEAVEN
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so what about a NEW john 3:16? I've come up with some groovy (yes i am that old)suggestions:
FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD HE...
1. invented the stapler
2. made singapore small
3. designed phallic shaped objects everywhere. i.e. cucumbers, petronas towers, sammy vellu's head...
4. tripped castro fidel
5. extracts the weirdest confessions from humans mid-coitus
...SO THAT WE MAY NOT PERISH IN SEEMINGLY EVERLASTING BOREDOM, BUT ALL HAVE A LAUGH AND APPRECIATE THIS WONDERFUL WORLD HE MADE FOR US INSTEAD OF ALWAYS PINING FOR LIFE ETERNAL IN HEAVEN
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Saturday, November 27, 2004
burn baby burn
with all the crap going on down there on earth, it's getting harder and harder to think of new ways to torture all the souls pouring into hell. especially with the proliferation of s&m, all that poking people with pitchforks with a fire and brimstone decor just doesn't scare people anymore.
it's hard being Me.
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it's hard being Me.
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Tuesday, November 23, 2004
identity crisis!
alright alright... you can all relax now. there's no such place as hell. I just send all the naughty boys and girls to singapore and reincarnate them as dung beetles. i can't really think of anything worse than rolling balls of shit all day in singapore.
which brings me to a little conundrum. if i can't think of anything else than rolling shit balls in singapore, then it means i'm not omnipotent. if i'm not omnipotent, then i'm not god. if i'm not god, then i'm just a person who doesn't like singapore.
oh wait, that means i've resolved the conundrum. oh thank god, i'm god again. but if i'm god.... can i still be a someone who doesn't like singapore?
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which brings me to a little conundrum. if i can't think of anything else than rolling shit balls in singapore, then it means i'm not omnipotent. if i'm not omnipotent, then i'm not god. if i'm not god, then i'm just a person who doesn't like singapore.
oh wait, that means i've resolved the conundrum. oh thank god, i'm god again. but if i'm god.... can i still be a someone who doesn't like singapore?
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Sunday, November 21, 2004
the resolution of constipation
i can finally get blogging again now that those damn WMDs have made it through my digestion system, resulting in a smelly turd i placed in the farthest uninhabitable reaches of planet earth( somewhere in belgium). And unlike belgium, my intestines have now become a very exciting and liveable place for tapeworms once again.
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